Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
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I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
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I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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