This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
