your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
