my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
