He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
