in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
