They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
