I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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