OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
