so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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