I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
