There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
