I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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