I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
