I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
