pop tarts are not kleenex
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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