I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
