Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
