i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
