I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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