I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.