she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
