If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
