Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
