It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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