some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
