my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
