Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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