I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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