Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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