i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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