Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
