Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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