My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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