I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
