Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just blew my weed a kiss
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
