woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
