I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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