I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
