New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
