Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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