You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
