Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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