i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
