I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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