I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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