There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
