i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
