I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
