People with herpes should wear stickers.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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