woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
