i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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