***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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