he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
