I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
