just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
